So I come back even more intense and
even more focused which is an
illusion of productivity. I would be on
my hands and knees at home
scrubbing until my knees bled because
we had this hard floor and I would
scrub until my knees bled.
I would be angry at my children for toys
left out and they’re kids.
You know what I am saying?
I would be driving and I have gotten
out of cars because I was so quick
now to violence because that’s what
I know, its life and death.
One time we thought, this is a fun story,
we thought our camp was being attacked.
There was all fire all around, there was
ricochets off the roof so we set up.
I was in the gym. I ran and got my kit on.
We stacked up ready to go and
I remember, I was praying.
I will tell you this story because I told
my social worker this story.
And my friends that were with me
there probably had the same feeling.
I was praying for the horror to come
through that front gate and I was so
excited to engage and like here we go,
mortal combat and I was excited
to do this. And then it was the
Afghan National Army, Afghan soccer
team beat another team so everybody
was just celebrating.
So to go from that extreme let’s
do this to then nothing, you know,
it was total. How emotionally draining is
that? So I came back to Canada and
I was always quick to get the kit on so
when dealing with people in grocery
stores, when dealing with people
across who either triggered me with their
eyes because the eye contact overseas
was so intense too because they truly
did dislike Dane, not like us,
whatever verb you want there.
They would stare through us and I
remember engaging in like a lot of
intense eye contact battles while driving
and the back end of a vehicle would
be heavy so then there’s my like,
battling indicators right there plus
aggressive eye contact.
We’ve had Afghan National Army
personnel, just weird there’s such
corruption. They would try and wrap us
in barbwire, raising their weapons,
we’re so confused, we get out of there,
we do all the right things,
we reported it in. But these are weird
situations that are happening.
And I’m back in Canada and I don’t
know my brain is there.
And it’s been this amazing journey
of me just being aware now that I
have emotional flashbacks.
It’s not even flashbacks but its
emotional flashbacks where I am so
intense ready to destroy everything
that everybody in my sight
becomes my enemy.