So there’s a few things coming back
to civilian life. And again I bring back
this word, shame of leaving the military.
I am weak. Like if you look at me
I am a strong individual. I am strong,
I know I am strong. I could go to the
field right now. Inside I could be crying
but I know my frame will take it.
But I cannot do, that aggression is so
much for me because I do have an
incredible power that is numbing to
the brain and it hurts. So going back
I have shame that I left, no my boys
won’t like me and that’s not true.
They have all messaged me and
I am so grateful so there’s reality in this,
I don’t want this to be just a sad thing.
Now also, who am I? What am I?
I am not a soldier anymore and
I have to get rid of that because a lot
of my actions are based upon what a
soldier would do. I am not a soldier.
I am a Veteran and I hold that dear and
that’s why I work really hard because
I want to pay homage to my mentors.
But I am not a soldier and that’s very,
very, very difficult and it’s very strange
and that’s why I became an entrepreneur
because I know for a fact that I have my
high school on credits but I don’t
have the education. Infanteers, combat
indicators and section attacks and
picking heavy things up and being
efficient with weapons and being
selfless and sacrificing your body aren’t
skills that are needed at Walmart or
Starbucks where I can get a job and
that’s it. Please don’t take me because
I don’t have the education,
I’m not competitive. White collar buildings
won’t take me because I’m too intense
and too abrasive. And my leadership style
is different and I don’t ’blend well.
That’s my own business.
So I’m encountering these because
I am trying these things.
I am trying to integrate really hard but
it seems like I intimidate people a lot or I do
fly off the handle and then they step away.
Brittany is always my rock so it took a
really long time for me to, I don’t know,
just to adjust. And I’m still adjusting
because I can’t turn it off but I can change
perspectives and process events slower
and do my best and that’s all I can do.
So frustration, it’s frustrating to be
intimidating, it’s frustrating being an
infanteer, its frustrating hearing the
amazing stories of civilians and their cool
fun journeys and I think about while
you’re doing this cool fun journey I was
having fun and I’m not going to say this
in any light. But I was learning the phrase,
“kill, kill, kill!” and grit, group, range,
indication, type of target. I was learning
about stand to’s and how to stay up all
night and how to dress light and
freeze at night. You know what I mean?
So when I come back here I am like well
and when I open this business even,
I had this utopia idea,
I don’t need to jack anybody up.
We are all like, we got running rod,
we are good to go.
I can create a utopia and I don’t ever
have to be master corporal army again.
But because I did that as a civilian I was
a poor leader and they walked all over
me which caused me great frustration
and I had to hide my mask because
I couldn’t show them what a jacking
actually is because then they would
leave and I would get probably charged.
So there’s a lot of like I don’t know who
or what I am supposed to do ever and
I am just like I have koa’s (?)
now but I’m at year two of retirement and
I’m still not even close to like fully
being ready to be a Starbucks clerk.