Introduction

When Military Police officer Corporal Erica Zadow pulled on her protective vest, she felt invincible.

“I think it’s easy when you’re a police officer to hide behind the vest. You feel bulletproof when you're in it—but you’re not,” the 34-year-old said.

An “army brat” following in her military parents’ footsteps, Zadow had aspirations of a long and storied career in the Canadian Armed Forces. Becoming a police officer in the military was a path she had long dreamed of taking.

In 2014, she was sexually assaulted during basic training, and she has been plagued with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) ever since.

For years following the horrific experience, she threw herself into her job, working long shifts as an air weapons technician, and then a boatswain before voluntarily releasing to try other career paths.

Becoming a Military Police Officer

The call of the military life led Erica to return to the Forces as a military police officer on 11 September 2018—a date she chose because of its significance to first responders.

She was posted back to Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Québec, to the base where the assault had happened eight years earlier. At that time, she asked to be posted “anywhere else”, understanding just how triggering it would be.

“I don’t think just anybody could do that, to be posted back somewhere that traumatic and have to be in that environment day in, day out for years, without feeling that they had the supports that they needed,” she explained.

“It was a very strange dichotomy to experience, going from victim to police officer and not being able to help myself. It took a really long time for me to understand that about myself. I was like, ‘I’m a soldier. Why couldn’t I protect myself?’

“To have a victim come in and try to tell me their story, and I would have to turn them away. There's a lot of shame and judgment, and there are so many stigma surrounding sexual assault. That was something I really wanted to change and show people, ‘you didn’t ask for this, and it's not your fault.’”

PTSD diagnosis

Zadow had tried to get mental health support through the military which was challenging because she didn’t feel trust in the system. She ended up in the care of a very compassionate medic at CFB Greenwood who was moved to tears by her story. The woman encouraged her to get psychiatric help.

“She advocated for me. She listened to me. I got my PTSD diagnosed, and I finally felt validated.”

Ultimately, it all became too much and she medically released. She was left feeling like she didn’t get to accomplish the goals she had set for herself.

“I didn't get to deploy like I wanted to. I didn’t get many of the courses that I desperately wanted. My PTSD became such a challenge with everything I did. I had no more lateral movement. I couldn’t switch trains.”

After her release, Zadow reached out and received help from VAC. She felt empowered by VAC staff who were “extremely helpful”.

“Everyone that I've spoken to has been gentle and kind and supportive, and they've listened without judgment, which has been a huge part of my journey,” she said.

She was able to pay off student loans, purchase a vehicle and make a down payment on her house to keep her mortgage affordable.

Surgery setback

A spinal surgery sidelined her physically as she tried to repair her mental health, further threatening her sense of identity.

“I am a hard worker. I am a military brat. I am a strong military member, I'm a police officer. I am an athlete,” she said.

“When I lost those, I was like, ‘who am I now? And where is my worth?’ Because my worth was measured by my career and by my sports, and by all my accolades and by all the fancy things I could show people I was.”

Zadow got involved with Soldier On when she was releasing from the military because she knew she wanted to keep connections with other Veterans.

Joining Team Canada

She applied to be a member of Team Canada for the Invictus Games because she needed something positive to focus on. When she learned her application had been accepted she was “over the moon”.

“I screamed out loud in my kitchen and called everybody. I was like, this is amazing. And it’s going to be such a great way to have a positive memory of my experience with the military.”

At her first training camp, she was inspired by the strength of body and spirit the Invictus athletes demonstrated. She was comforted by the understanding she found in her teammates.

“When you look at all these people who have been through all of these things, who have all of these extreme situations they’ve overcome, and they’re still competing in sport. They’re still pushing and striving for better.

“We all need to find things that motivate us in the morning.”

The people she’s met through Invictus feel like family.

“Meeting all these people in this process has shown … we can still do hard things beyond our service. And there’s so much more to look forward to.”

Training for the games has helped her in other ways too. She now lives just outside Halifax where she’s started playing hockey again and loves hanging with her 9-year-old dog who has “been by her side through it all”, woodworking, journalling, and volunteering.

Learning to slow down

She’s learned to say no to “hustle culture” and prioritize her own mental health.

“Before I was like a freight train. Even when I had absolutely nothing left in the tank, I was still fighting, I was still pushing. But some days are just bad days, and it’s okay to have them and it’s okay to recharge. It’s okay to slow down.

“It feels like it’s the first time in my life that I understand that worth isn't defined by your production.”

When she competes in wheelchair basketball, skeleton, indoor rowing and alpine skiing, in the stands will sit her partner, Heather; her father, who served 38 years as an Army vehicle technician; and her mother, who served 18 years as an Air Force traffic technician.

Zadow hopes to make them all proud.

“My biggest accomplishment in my military career is being selected for Invictus Games.”

With courage, integrity and loyalty, Erica Zadow is leaving her mark. She is one of our Canadian Armed Forces Veterans. Discover more stories.