Captain Michelle Backhouse still thinks about a transgender woman she saw on the boardwalk at Kandahar Airfield in the summer of 2009.

She had heard whispers about the woman who worked at an American hair salon on the base's popular retail promenade. Backhouse was walking with a group of soldiers when some of them noticed her.

"Some of the other guys snickered and turned around and stared at her and said, 'That's a trans woman,'" Backhouse remembers one of them saying in a judgmental tone.

She still carries regret that she didn't speak up and shut the mocking down.

"I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything, or I felt I couldn't say anything, because at that time I felt I would be singled out as well and face ridicule for defending somebody who was transgender, fully knowing that I was different too."

Backhouse had known she was different since she was nine years old. But she spent decades hiding that part of herself from family, friends and colleagues.

"At that point in my career, in my life, I did not know my full truth.

I was just being an observer, and I didn't do anything to stop it."

Today, Backhouse does not stay silent when she sees bullying or unfair treatment.

A reservist at 14-Wing Greenwood, Backhouse now fills the role as Deputy Operations Flight Commander. She also speaks openly about her life as what she calls a "woman of transgender experience."

She believes that sharing her story is another way to serve others.

A life in uniform

Born in northeast England, Backhouse moved with her family to a hobby farm in central Alberta at age 12. After studying survey technology and spending two-and-a-half years working on farms in Germany, she decided she wanted to serve her country—and fly.

She joined the Canadian Armed Forces at age 28.

Arriving at 14-Wing Greenwood in 1993, Backhouse flew the CP-140 Aurora with 405 Squadron, then moved between flying and operational support roles.

Backhouse faced significant challenges throughout her life, struggling for decades with her sense of identity while trying to cope with the demands of both work and raising four young children.

As her career progressed, she found it increasingly difficult to process written information, especially under pressure, and had to develop her own strategies, such as turning text into visual images, to learn and succeed. Without access to peer support and feeling largely on her own, the accumulating stress, exhaustion, and ongoing personal struggles ultimately led to what she describes as a "dark chapter" in her life.

Finding herself in Afghanistan

In 2009, Backhouse deployed to Afghanistan for seven months flying Heron unmanned aerial vehicles (UAV).

The things she saw and experienced in Afghanistan stayed with her for years after she returned home.

In 2010, she returned from Afghanistan and, after 20 years in uniform, retired from the Canadian Armed Forces. But, her commitment to the mission drew her back to Afghanistan that same year where she spent another four years working as a civilian member on a team of former soldiers, doing humanitarian work and helping rebuild damaged infrastructure.

"It was an interesting time to be in Afghanistan. We saw everything build up. We saw everything being torn down."

It was during this period that she started researching gender identity. She also connected with people whose experiences were similar to hers.

Backhouse was the last person from her group to leave Kandahar at the end of 2014. Like many Veterans, coming home was not easy. She struggled to find her place.

"When I came back, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I basically lost my way."

Even after more than twenty years of service, she didn't think of turning to Veterans Affairs Canada during her transition from military service.

"I didn't consider myself a Veteran," she said.

"People of my generation, we look at Veterans as members of World War II. We don't see ourselves as Veterans."

Back in Canada, she met another transgender Canadian Armed Forces member who was struggling with her gender identity at a time when Backhouse saw few supports available.

"So I said, 'there's got to be something I can do here.'"

An important date in her life story

In May 2018, Backhouse enrolled in Positive Space Ambassador training in Ottawa.

She attended the first day in what she described as her "masculine expression," and by the second day, she walked in as Michelle.

"For me, that was a transformative date."

Feeling empowered by her experience at that training, she decided to tell senior leadership at CFB Greenwood that she was transitioning.

During a presentation about the Positive Space program, Backhouse explained why the work was so important to her. Then she put photographs of herself, as Michelle, on the screen.

"I was 100% accepted on the spot," she remembers, smiling.

At first, she moved between masculine and feminine presentations of herself.

"That then got to a point where, 'no, this is who I am and this is how I want to live my life,'" she said.

For someone who had spent much of her career, and life, trying not to stand out, this was a huge change.

"I wanted to ride through on the middle of the wave. Not at the top, not at the bottom (...) I thought 'let's just get through this life without standing out'" recalls Backhouse. "That all changed when I decided to step out of the shadows and show everybody who I really am. And that has given me so much confidence."

Making it easier for the next person

As Backhouse became more open about her story, it connected closely with her work. She served as Wing Ethics and Harassment Advisor, and later moved into the Cultural Evolution Coordinator role, working to help change the culture within the CAF to be more accepting of the 2SLGBTQI+ community.

But she is careful not to portray her own experience of transition as universal.

"I acknowledge that I have had senior captain privilege. I've had male privilege, as I've spent most of my military career as a guy. I acknowledge that."

After decades at Greenwood, she also knew many senior leaders personally. She knows that younger members may not feel as comfortable speaking to senior officers.

"I acknowledge the fact that younger junior rank members may not have that privilege and may not be willing to step forward to senior officers to seek that help."

That awareness has helped shape her advocacy.

Backhouse wants people to know where they can access support. She encourages others to connect with Pride organizations and transgender support networks, including those in rural communities. She stays focused on uplifting others, using social media to put positive messages into spaces where someone quietly struggling might see them. She wants them to see others who have had similar experiences. And, unlike that day on the Kandahar boardwalk, she speaks out.

"Just let people know that there is hope and that they are not alone. You are not alone."

"Now that I'm in a position where I could start to use my story to help others … and that is one of the reasons why I want to stay in the military longer, because there's still a lot of work to do."

She describes herself as "a woman of transgender experience."

"My life as a woman is different than from many other women. But I would like to be to acknowledged as a woman."

"We're all different, and yet we all are sisters."

With courage, integrity and loyalty, Michelle Backhouse is leaving her mark. She is a Canadian Armed Forces Veteran. Discover more stories.